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some heartbreak

Jan. 6th, 2007 | 01:37 am

jim just left. and i feel empty. it was better when he was here. i guess that's something twisted when you want to be around someone who couldn't care less..i cried because i kept thinking about all of those times when he said he liked me. and that he'd told his friends or family about me. and he told me i was beautiful and smart. and cool and whatever. he made me feel like he really adored me. even delisle said "he totally adores you. i can tell by how he looks at you." which i could. i felt i could, anyway. i felt that he looked at me with these smiling eyes that mirrored his heart.
today he told me that he doesn't like-like me. he stopped awhile ago i guess. or it diminished in the last few months, yet he kept playing along. he gave me a ring, sure a ring that he got from rachel, but a sign of something. i wore it and he said he loved that i wore it because he gave it to me. thinking about these things, i can't believe how this has turned out. i cried in front of him because i came home from vacation to this break-up. i didnt even get a proper welcome. some lingerie and a "let's break up" speech. blindsided.
maybe it was an immature relationship, i thought that others' may have assumed. but to me it felt real and simple because it felt easy to get along. and special because it felt like a real connection. I wish that he was just scared. what is there to not like about me? why does it have to be that im just not enough. he said it wasn't me, just him. but thats what they all say.
he left in a weird hurry after he hugged me while i was crying, trying to soothe my pain or whatever. although he's the source. i dont think that works in a cyclical way. he's nice to try, but so emotionless about the whole situation. like sure its easy for him to say "its no big deal." maybe if i told you i was lying about liking you this whole time, maybe you would understand.

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give me something..

Nov. 4th, 2006 | 07:05 pm

every time a car drives by that sounds like his I'm looking through the blinds. why did today have to be so bad?
last night his phone totally went out. he can't make or receive calls. he visited at eleven last night. it was all stranger-in-the-dark like. more like welcomed stranger. then we turned the lights on to find his shoe. it was sweet though, really, we talked for 15 minutes or so and kissed and he left to go to some party that i refused to attend. today i said "call me before you leave and i'll come out and meet you (at nordstrom/hell)" so i went to look for boots and ended up at Macy's. purchased boots and called Rachel . He wasn't with her anymore, he'd left 20 minutes before, without calling. So i had no idea where to look for him. i went back to norsdstom hell and looked around a bit. mostly i was soaking wet and frustrated. so i went home. its been...three hours since i have been here. hoping he would stop by. wondering if he went home. i sure hope! i'd hate if he waited around for me for more than ten minutes...
i am just so frustrated and let-down by everything. i am tired of working and doing the weekly cycle of school and work. blah blah. i am tired of public transportation and waiting to graduate and taking shitty classes that make me want to scream. English 110 anyone?
I am worried about my thesis. It's not to be done for six months, but i feel like i am behind already.
i just need a true vacation. i havent had one in over a year.
thankfully, Jim and I are planning to spend thanksgiving together. turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing. and other things.
and we are planning a trip far away..to vancouver or something. i can't wait.
but for now i am damn pissed. i should've just come home after work.

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what is wrong

Oct. 21st, 2006 | 11:31 pm

after two days. three days of not talking, i sent another message that said "wish you would share my bed. i dont like this cold shoulder thing. miss you." he replied "i'm just thinking about stuff. sorry, sera." of course this puts me into crying mode.
because i like him a lot. i care about him and i've gotten myself involved and i miss him when he's gone and i look forward to seeing him.
and of course, he's thinking. he's having doubts and we aren't even together-together.
i dont get it. really. im not all that pushy. i call sometimes to see if he wants to hang out. but im not like always there. he gives a lot too, which makes me feel like we're on the same level. but now here he is. thinking again about us and about how he doesn't want me. probably. i have been trained to think the worst.
i really thought we were past this.

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you know something's wrong when i post on LJ

Oct. 20th, 2006 | 10:24 pm
mood: angry hurt all of that

i want someone who really cares about me. who fucking cares enough to call me on a friday night. instead of sending some vague text message. all you get are frowns >:( from now on because quite frankly, you suck right now.
its friday night and you would rather hang out with them or by yourself at your house or out at some bar doing shit. than hang out with me. fine. i get it. you've shown me, so now im avoiding you because UGGG RAAAWR im not going to put up with this no-calling-vague text-bull-fucking-shit.!!!!!!!

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(no subject)

Oct. 6th, 2006 | 10:45 pm

he said "i'll call you tomorrow" last night when he was too sick to have me over. i understand. i understood.
yet tonight i ask if he wants to hang out. no answer. over a text...around ten i ask how he's feeling. he says "crescent" and i ask if he's staying in." he says "crescent" and my heart sinks. he didn't invite me. to a bar thats fucking down the street from my apartment. didnt even call as he said he would. and i feel like my world has been flattened. but by what really? by whom?
why have i given him so much power over my heart and my mind.
immediately i am ashamed by my dependency, but i recognize it. that im not over something.
i still think about kenny at times. wonder how he is. walk past Central to maybe possibly run into him. knowing its suicide, but really not caring in the moment. delisle said "you just got out of a really dependent relationship...its a stage of your life." and then i realize that that is totally me and its so depressing. and now i am here listening to elliott smith and feeling like a fucking idiot. a wreck.
like i need my mom or my therapist again. like i've lost a grasp on myself.
it so true though. i was with someone who was there, every night next to me in bed. every night i had a warm willing body to sleep next to. i knew he loved me and i loved him. whatever that was. and now i have these feelings for someone who says celebrities are hot. and who doesnt call when he says he will. i don't know what this is :(
i just feel fucking awful right now.

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(no subject)

Sep. 28th, 2006 | 10:13 pm
mood: tired tired
music: cat power || wonderwall

im waaaaiting for him to get here and study. but i know if he does come, by that time i will be too tired to concentrate and maybe mildly annoyed from waiting. he called but i missed it by a minute. =/ i hope he isnt lost or thinks im at the greenlake chocolati or something...

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rant

Sep. 21st, 2006 | 08:19 pm

ugh i am tired of his terrible communication skills.
like he cant even answer the phone or a myspace. tell me "no i dont want to see you."
so i am left guessing that he must not want to see me since he isnt responding.
what the fucking hell. ugh.
i like him a lot and we have such a great time together. so what is this all about.
i cant call. i have to drop it, forget him for right now because this is not worth the stress.

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(no subject)

Sep. 12th, 2006 | 01:53 pm

i am bummed because i like Jim a lot. and its not even like i need to be with him-with him, just that i like to be with him and have a good time. and it feels like it doesnt have to be complicated. he is young and fun and i just want to have fun and its nice when there are kind of romantic feelings there. he sent me a myspace message saying how he freaked out and is reflecting. so we made out a lot the other night and other things, and we woke up together and he was super sweet and then didnt answer my calls all day or the next. or myspace messages. its annoying, that he won't tell me up front, on the phone. "hey im worried about this." its like he has to avoid me first so that i worry just enough to feel like a nutcase for obsessing. whyy does it have to be complicated. i just want to enjoy his company in a canoe.

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(no subject)

Aug. 24th, 2006 | 12:30 am

i have this problem with going head-first.
i am crazy about him, about the chemistry and ohmygod i can't stop smiling when i am with him.
but he myspaced me saying he doesnt want a relationship because he got out of a bad one in April. so he reflected and figured this out. i knew it. i fucking knew this would happen. i hate relationships for ruining potential new relationships. fuck exes.

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(no subject)

Aug. 22nd, 2006 | 01:02 pm

i am driving myself crazy.
he is away in hawaii for two weeks and im so sure that he'll forget about me or just lose interest in me. because what do i have that is so great?
before he left we spent a few hours together and worked on a puzzle and kissed and there were fireworks and he said he'd think about me all the time and miss me and call me. and he hasnt called.
he doesnt respond to myspace messages. silly, i know.
but all i can think is that he's not going to feel the same about me when he gets back.
kenny has fucked me up. why do all relationships have to ruin my security.
i have this thought that no one could possibly like me, REALLY like me, even though the words come out of this guy's mouth.
i want to cry.
last night aidan and i stayed at Ray's house and i slept in his bed and violet came and slept next to me at some point in the early morning. it was fun.
but what if i am in over my head. because really, what do i have? i hate this feeling :(

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